I entered into the world of manifesting about three years ago. This world, with its strange ideas and counterintuitive practices, impressed me only at a point when I was ready to receive it. Sure, some concepts had come up from people I met such as there being a power greater than me, the helpful idea of viewing things I had to do as things I “get” to do, and meditation for anxiety. But I couldn’t take in any more than that, and my brain continuously riddled me with doubts over the higher power idea.
I, like most people, have some mental conditionings that I accepted as a child and grew into an adult with. Many of these mental processes did not serve me as an adult. They were in place to protect me, which may have helped me as a child, but as an adult they kept me small, uncomfortable in my own skin, super unhappy, and chasing relief anywhere I could find it.
Alcohol was my solution…
When I discovered alcohol, it was instantly a solution to my unhappiness. I have alcoholics in my family, and my brain was susceptible to its grip. I found drastic relief initially; relief from anxiety, depression, self-hatred, loneliness, you name my uncomfortable feeling and alcohol took it away. I was a different person, which was what I had always wanted. To be someone other than myself, who wasn’t good enough.
Alcohol worked as a self-medicator for a while, and I ignored the increasing consequences that intoxication brought me. I surrounded myself with other heavy drinkers and people who I viewed as having more problems than me. It took me ten years of almost daily drinking, serious consequences, immobilizing depression, and the realization that I couldn’t get drunk enough to cover up my pain anymore, for me to change.
There had to be something better…
I went to rehab. I learned so much! I didn’t know what alcoholism was, I had never seen a therapist in my life, I had never expressed feelings that were inside of me to anyone, let alone a whole group of people I didn’t know. I didn’t know what co-dependency was or unhealthy family dynamics. I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my life had been. It was entirely enlightening. As uncomfortable as it was to be sober in my own skin, I was starting to see that I could live a different life and I was starting to see reasons for my behavior.
I worked for a Sober living after rehab and stayed close to AA and the program. I did all the AA things: meetings, sponsor, commitments, steps. I checked all the boxes. I meditated, which greatly helped my anxiety. About a year in, my therapist stopped seeing me because she was too busy with new clients. I started feeling sorry for myself. I became unhappy working for the Sober living and felt like I couldn’t connect with any of my co-workers. I was bored with my routine. My anxiety and loneliness became worse and worse. I remembered the relief that alcohol once gave me. My brain told me that I could drink again if I wanted. And so, after two-plus years of sobriety, I decided to go back to drinking.
Drinking this time didn’t have the same enjoyable effects that it did in the very beginning. Because now I knew what alcoholism was, and seeing myself become obsessed and hooked once more, I quickly slipped into a state of hopelessness. I repeatedly tried and failed to get sober again for almost two years. I did things intoxicated that make me shudder still. My self-worth sunk the lowest it had ever been. I told myself excuses for why I was the way I was in order to make myself feel a little better. It only made things worse, and I drank more. I saw therapists, I went to meetings and got sponsors but continued to relapse. I couldn’t make it more than a month at a time, if I was lucky.
In a ditch attempt to save myself from certainly getting fired from my job and not having a place to live, I moved back home. My sister let me stay with her. However, no matter where we go, we take ourselves with us. It wasn’t a month in, and I had the worst drinking binge of my drinking career. It lasted four days. It scared me and was terrible for my family to endure. That was the last time I drank alcohol.
Finding the solution…
I gave up control. I was done. I was done fighting myself, I was done fighting alcohol, I was done fighting my thinking, all of it. I was so grateful that I survived that drinking binge, and that my family was still there for me. I didn’t know if I could ever get sober, but I was done thinking about that too. I literally started living each day as though it was a blank sheet. The first five days were serious withdrawals, but I still managed to go to meetings, where I shook and quivered as I expressed gratitude for being alive. Love was poured onto me from everyone around me.
I started praying to a higher power before I did anything. Before I drove to a meeting, before I found a sponsor, before I spoke to someone or did anything uncomfortable; I was astounded to see that every time I prayed, my prayer was answered. I found the perfect sponsor. I was able to speak in front of a bunch of people and not choke up with fear. I found a great job and got my own place which had been a dream of mine for a few years. I wasn’t afraid of relapsing, and it wasn’t “work” to be sober. My life felt guided. I wasn’t alone anymore. It was absolutely magical.
I have no doubt that I manifested my sobriety. This was a desire that was so strong in my mind and body, and yet I wouldn’t allow it to come to me. My point of attraction had to change. I had to shift from being in the problem, overwhelmed with morbid thoughts, to embracing appreciation and letting go of doubt. Releasing resistance to anything spiritual was huge. I had to let go of my skepticism and resentment. I made a decision that my happiness and peace was more important than “being right”.
I may have manifested sobrity along with some huge breakthroughs, but changing old thought patterns is not fast work. This is a daily journey to becoming more and more free. I’ve learned to appreciate contrast, which comes in many forms, but always brings to attention what I am attracting. My world shows me what is inside me and gives me an opportunity to improve. I’m not perfect, nor do I truly want to be anymore. Mistakes are part of the journey.
I want to share my challenges and breakthroughs with you. I want to be an inspiration. I want you to know that you can do this too. Never give up! Everything is happening for you exactly how it needs to. You will appreciate how everything unfolds, just believe.
Lots of love always,